He Doesn't Look That Sorry.


"Many of you in the room are my friends. Many of you in this room know me. Many of you have cheered for me, or worked with me, or supported me, and now, every one of you has good reason to be critical of me." Now could one of you get me a fucking glass of water and a Valium?

Tiger tried very hard to pull this pathetic mea culpa off, but to me and I think to thousands of people that quite frankly aren't fucking idiots, he came off poorly prepared, sticky-mouthed and sounding a bit desperate. It seemed like he was reading the speech for the first time, and his delivery made me question whether he was ever properly educated. He sounded a bit like a third grader reading a report in front of the class for the first time. Granted he was reading an apology for screwing a couple dozen women behind his wife's back, but still you'd think his people would have rehearsed him a bit.

I am nominating Tiger for Biggest Idiot for 2010 not because he fucked around on his wife, to the contrary, I am not at all offended by his infidelity. I can't say I am at all surprised or concerned. His wife should not be surprised either, and I bet if you got her alone she'd confess the same. As a matter of fact, I bet you can't find more than a handful of professional athletes that aren't screwing everything that walks by, its part and parcel with fame. I'm not saying its right though, for me cheating is about is shitty a thing a person can do. If you want to fuck other people don't get married. If you get married and realize you want to fuck other people, either tell your spouse that you want to fuck other people and deal with the consequences, join Ashely Madison or start whacking to internet porn like everyone else.

I am nominating Tiger for Biggest Idiot for 2010 because of this apology and its shear lame-itude. Who wrote this babbling crap? Why aren't his people teaching him how to speak in front of camera? Why is he allowing himself to be further humiliated by this witch-hunt? Does he need the money? Doubt it, in 2009 his earnings were estimated at a cool $1 billion. Does he really think that his arctic queen Eilin is going stay with him after this embarrassment and not take him for hundreds of millions of dollars? He couldn't be that stupid, or could he? He is trying to tell us with cotton-mouth that he feels really bad after screwing around with about 20 different women while saying that he knew it was wrong, all the while looking around the room like a rat. He then tell us that he is a sex addict and that he was receiving inpatient therapy. Come on, inpatient therapy? Give me a break, what did they do make you watch porn with your hands tied to the bed all day, or show you those pictures of really obese women that you see in birthday cards? No one is buying the addiction angle, unless they're addicts themselves. Addicts think we are all addicts.

Another reason Tiger is getting this nomination is that he poorly played the religion card. If he really wanted to turn this thing around quickly and get Fox News and all the other zealots behind him instead of calling for his head (on the same phones they call their drug dealers with, right Rush?) he should have said something like, "And in this time of great personal struggle, voice called to me in the night and it was Jesus. Jesus told me that he loved me and that everything would now be alright and I knew it would because Jesus has forgiven me."

But no! Tigger (spelling intended) totally fucks this opportunity up by reminding everyone that he's a Buddhist. Really stupid Tiger, because what you and all those dipshits writing your speeches seemed to have missed is that all the people that are coming down on you now are Christians. The rest of us don't give a shit about your sexual transgressions. All the idiots that watch you on the course and tell their kids that they should look up to you like a nine iron wielding black Jesus are Christians.

One thing Christians don't like is other religions, especially ones that don't require a bunch of guilt or begin for forgiveness.

So here is our 2nd nominee, Tiger Woods. May he continue to wiggle like a worm so we have more shit to write about.

With all due respect,
The Chief

Did you hear the news?
They are going to redo "We Are The World".
Who are "They?" Some of the same Celebretards from 1985 who recorded the original PLUS some new Celebretards from our present day!
The people behind the original included Quincy Jones, Michael Jackson, Lionel Richie, Bruce Springsteen, Bob Dylan, Billy Joel, Huey Lewis, Cyndi Lauper and Diana Ross. Just to name a few.
Harry Belafonte was the guy who came up with the idea for this POS. We all know what kind of douchebag he's turned into.
Anyway, it's getting remade.
Here's a short list of the "talent" on the new one:
Jamie Foxx, Usher, Lil Wayne, Wyclef Jean, Josh Groban, Will.I.Am, T-Pain, Kanye West, LL Cool J, Snoop Dogg, Busta Rhymes, Barbra Streisand, Carlos Santana, Natalie Cole, BeBe Winans, Harry Connick Jr., Earth, Wind & Fire, Brian Wilson, Tony Bennett, Randy Jackson, Celine Dion, Gladys Knight, Jeff Bridges, Vince Vaughn, Nicole Richie, Rashida Jones, Akon, Brandy, Katharine McPhee and Justin Bieber.
This is going to suck. Even MORE than the original and the original was a total piece of crap. Anyone who thinks back to the original with fond memories is a moron.
Sure, there were a couple good artists in the original lineup but they couldn't save this contrived drivel.
I predict this to be the most obnoxious song of 2010. Anyone who admits to liking this song should be punched in the face. I haven't even heard it and I know it's going to be horrid and you should know it too.
Now, let's review some of the talent on the new one.
First, we've got these utterly terrible "artists" performing that BARELY sing: Jamie Foxx, Lil Wayne (isn't he in jail?), T-Pain, Kanye West? Has T-Pain done anything that isn't Autotoned? Snoop? He's funny. That's it.
Then we have the true Celebretards:
Nicole Richie & Rashida Jones- Why are they there? Because their dads were there for the first one?
Jeff Bridges - He plays a blues singer in his new movie. I get it. But is that reason enough to get involved with this?
VInce Vaughn - WTF? Is he just there to pick up some beautiful babies?
You know what would be awesome. If there was a We Are The World Serial Killer. He would one by one knock off everyone on this list of contributors. Kanye first of course.
OK. So it's for a good cause: Helping out the victims of Haiti. I get it. I'm willing to give money just so this isn't released.


-Darth

Really.

No shit.

I had no idea, I mean, his Popeye arms and Conan jaw never tipped me off.

First, I don't get why Major League Baseball and the FDA feel the need to regulate steroid use. Who cares? If I want to inject shit into my body that makes me big but also makes my nuts shrink and my hair fall out, why stop me. Besides baseball is entertainment, its nothing more. And as you know, entertainers all do drugs.

Shut up. Whoever you just thought of and said, "So and So doesn't do drugs..." does drugs. It may not be heroine or LSD, but I guarantee you they smoke pot to unwind or do some kind of stimulant to keep up their energy on tour or drink to excess after a show or game.

They all do drugs, but for once the drug Mark McGwire was doing actually enhanced his performance. Even I, as a dyed in the wool baseball HATER, thought he was kick ass. And make no mistake, he would have been just another big, goofing look player with bad acne scars had he not hit the bovine growth hormone.

Fortunately, I did not watch his interview wherein he confesses to steroid use. It would have just been time wasted. I didn't need the admission, I don't think anyone did. I surely didn't need to see the clip on this mornings news in which his voice cracks and his lip quivers. I don't give two rats asses about Mark McGwire, but I definitely don't need to see him pretend to cry and ask to be forgiven.

The American baseball fans need to ask themselves a few questions; Didn't you enjoy watching him hit number 63, Didn't he do it for your benefit and Is he really sorry. My guess is their answers will be yes, yes, and no.

With all due respect,
The Chief

Tiger Woods. You know the name right? Possibly the greatest golfer to ever play the game, at least the most celebrated. Even if you don't follow golf though I'm sure you also by now you have read that Tiger is a major poon hound. At last count, he has cheated on his wife with 16 women, some of whom he has maintained relationships with for years.

Not bad for a funny looking dude with a stupid name that looks like a cross between Webster and Alvin the Chipmunk.

Adultery is bad. Especially when you are a major repeat offender, but I don't recall ever hearing that Tiger was beating up his wife, or his kids or his girlfriends. I also don't remember reading that he was a drug addict or that he has sexually harassed anyone, like say RUSH LIMBAUGH OR BILL O'REILLY. Actually it would appear that the ladies like Tiger's wood.

It occurs to me that the only crimes that Tiger has committed are trying to be too squeaky clean and not being a Christian. At least that is my interpretion of the bullshit that Brit Hume spewed on Fox News a few days ago when asked if he thought Tiger would emerge from all the controversy.

In case you missed it here's the clip, wherein Brit says "He's said to be a Buddhist. I don't think that faith offers the kind of forgiveness and redemption that is offered by the Christian faith. So my message to Tiger would be, 'Tiger, turn to the Christian faith and you can make a total recovery and be a great example to the world.'"





Its interesting that Brit Hume feels that once Tiger is forgiven and redeemed by Jesus that all the pain and embarrassment he has caused his wife and family vanish.

That is what I love about Christians, you can do f-ing anything and as long as you say your sorry to Jesus its OK. No problem. Kill some guy and steal his car? "I'm sorry Jesus," and its over like it didn't even happen. They sell out their whole concept of punishment and reward by saying that if you do something really bad but you're sorry, you won't have to go to hell. You still get into heaven, because you're sorry.
Reminds me of an old Steve Martin bit where he says that there are two words in the English language that can relieve you of any responsibility for anything you may ever do, "I forgot." As in "I forgot armed robbery was illegal, or I forgot to pay my taxes." I don't think Steve meant it and I doubt if Jesus did either.

I bet if you ask his wife, she'd probably not just forget the whole thing as long as Jesus said it was OK with him. You see the problem is that Elin and Tiger and you and I and Brit Hume and all the miserable prols you see everyday, we all live in the real world and even if you say your sorry to someone that you can't see, all the stupid shit you did was still done and the results are real, tangible and irreversible. All the "I'm sorry"'s and Hail Marys do not change the fact that you screwed up and real people with real live have to deal with it.

Once humanity gets passed deities and demigods and accepts the fact the we are all stewards of our own lives and that in order to be happy we have to NOT take happiness away from other or they will do it to us idiots like Brit and Rush will not just get away with it because they kneel at the right alter.


With all due respect,
The Chief

Just when I thought we had enough media time wasted on Richard Heene, he has been out done.

On a Presidential Scale.

Let me introduce to you, in case you just pulled your head from the sand, the Salahis, Tareq and Michelle as seen here during the Matt Lauer interview today.





These f!cking idiots would have us believe that they are the victims in this mess. They are trying to create a backstory wherein they were mislead to believe they were invited. These poor people are being railroaded by the White House. 

Bullshit!

If they had been invited, the Secret Service would have squashed this story immediately or Michelle Jones from the Pentagon would have never made they comment that she never told them they were invited.

But lets not judge the Salahis on this incident alone, but lets look at their history.

1) First and I think foremost, they wanted to be paid for their story. They didn't get paid by NBC, but I believe that they did the NBC interview at the direction of their legal council. I have a feeling they are in deeper shit then they thought they'd be and were told to get their sob story out before its too late.

2) They are also accused of crashing another political dinner just this past September. The Congressional Black Caucus Foundation spokesperson Muriel Cooper, confirmed that the Salahis were escorted out of a foundation dinner on 9/26. The couple was sitting at a $20,000-per-table section at the event where Obama was the keynote speaker. When the guests that actually paid complained that someone was in their seats, the Salahis were asked to show their tickets. They were asked to leave when they couldn't produce them. Security at the event escorted them out of the building. Very douchey.

3) The Salahis have been accused of running a fake charity as well. The Virginia State Attorney General reported  to Alex Bogdonovich of The Fauquier Times-Democrat in May 2009 that the Salahis’ charitable organization, Journey for a Cure, was not registered with the State Corporation Commission and warned givers that the State “could not be assured that funds were being spent for charitable purposes".

4) To top it all off, Michelle Salahi like our beloved Richard Heene, is a hopeful for a reality TV show. She is being considered for Bravo's upcoming "Real Housewives of Washington DC". Bravo has confirmed that they were actually taping the Salahis that day but will not comment on whether or not they got any footage inside the State Dinner. 

Now what does this all mean for the Salahis, the Secret Service and the President? 

Well my guess is that the Salahis will wear out their 15 minutes, she won't be on Bravo and their businesses will all suffer as a result of the publicity and the time and money they will spend defending themselves in the impending federal investigation. 

The Secret Service will fire lots of people, blame one guy and figure they got lucky with just some cheesy photo-ops and news coverage. 

The President will go on about his life just like he has these last 200 something days, with the feeling that someone is always trying to get to him and that he needs to keep any eye out for nut jobs.

As for Richard Heene, well to update you he and his wife have pled guilty to felony and misdemeanor charges for concocting their little hoax back in October. Its likely, per the prosecutors, that they will serve some jail time and the fines will be in the $30,000-$50,000 range. His wife, Mayuki Heene is a japanese citizen and faces possibly deportation for a felony conviction. They Heene's attorneys will no doubt avoid that due to the concern both the Heenes and the prosecutors have for the Heene's kids, which is ironic when you think about the fact that all their trouble was because they pretended to loose their son in balloon.

Dipshits.

With all due respect,
The Chief

Richard Heene, 

We completely understand your situation. We know how it feels to watch people on the television, acting like total asses, doing things that you would like to do, going places that you want to see, all the while thinking, Damn it I could do that!

Some out there in the real world don't get how frustrating it is to build really cool stuff like weather balloons and no one cares. Or to do really cool stuff like ride a motorcycle into a tornado and not get noticed. Or have your kids fly with you into a hurricane. Its a problem that we all can relate to. But don't despair. 

And no one knows better than we that the World is Full of Idiots and they are really easy to trick, but we also know something else.

NEVER TELL YOUR 6 YEAR OLD STUFF YOU DON'T WANT REPEATED. THEY ARE CRAPPY SECRET KEEPERS.

I have to hand it to you, the drama you created and your performance therein was pretty spectacular. When you came running around the balloon as it landed like you were the Road Runner or something with the cloud of dust kicking up around you I thought, "Man I hope that friggin kid is OK. His dad is freaking out."

Then I thought, "Hmm Uh oh, no kid. Whole Shit he fell out!" I never once thought, "I bet he's hiding in the garage because HIS GODDAMN DAD PUT HIM UP TO IT!"

Well done, but you really should have just knocked the little creeper out or something because he really blew it for you. Yet you still entertained me, like when Falcon says " because you said it was for the show" and you looked like you just crapped in your pants, but then pulled it together with a great bit of herumphing and mumbling. I couldn't stop laughing.

At you.

Or when Falcon puked on the Today show and you went on with the interview. Priceless. Now I have to admit the babble that you came up with after the "is this a hoax" question was a little Off Broadway.

I guess its like they say, The Show Must Gone On, right Rich?

We here at WFI were wondering though, could you give us a few pointer on how we can get our 15 minutes too? And if you have any suggestion on how to parlay that into a realty TV show that would be great.

With all due respect,

The Chief

A Big gelignite Packed

e-vite to

alfred bernhard nobel

As most of you out there know, celebrities do so little for me that I’d gladly take a beating with a rusted tire-iron. So I’ve made the decision to only do e-vites to those that are deceased, or that are soon to be. Ahhh... The cheerful satisfaction of the “Great Equalizer”. She don’t just come to you and me. Even the most plasticine marionette Sony/Fox/MGM can envision, through endless focus groups, age group profiling, Neilson ratings, or mass bombardment of one’s senses; WILL ALL CEASE TO BE. Just shuffle off “This Mortal Coil”. What a reassuring thought!

I thought it would be apropos, considering all of the awards being given out to various human types across the globe, to give a big ‘ole Angry shout out to a man probably quite near the top of the food chain when it comes to being responsible for quite a shit-ton of human misery and carnage. This man is none other than Alfred Nobel...

Mr. Nobel; chemist, engineer, armaments manufacturer, and last but not least inventor of Dynamiteand Gelignite A.K.A blasting gelatin. This fuckers legacy has been the bane of many a poor ‘Hop Sing the rail road builder’ and ‘Stanley the unsuspecting hostage’ types for well over a century now!! Hell!! If it weren’t for Nobel the Mangler, that barrel full of laughs Phineas P. Gage may have gone on to pressing flowers in children's books and waxing poetically on the finer details of Autoregressive Conditional Heteroskedasticity, embeded derivatives, and portfolio separation theorems.

I know of many situations where the use of Dynamite could have been completely avoided, but was also quite inappropriate! The painting of the Sistine Chapel by Leonardo D’Crappio, or the development of the Pan flute and Lyre, or most musical instruments for that matter! Or how about the beginning of a multiple colored sunset who’s light is diffused through Cirrostratus clouds viewed from an isolated beach?! I mean why use that shit for those destructive purposes?? Instead, the inverse of such perversion, ingenuity and careful reasoning, was fully utilized for situations as mellow and loving as: The Peloponnesian Wars. The 100 Years War. The Boer Wars.The Ottoman-Habsburg Wars, The Crusade’s, The Muscovite-Lithuanian wars, The War of Mantuan Succession, The Rum Rebellion, The Arakanese Uprising, The Gurkha War, The Seminole Wars, The Missouri Morman War (although a little more ingenuity and careful reasoning would have been nice on this one), The Sicilian revolution of independence ( they lost that one cause they kept sliding down the hills and couldn’t hold on to their weapons), and of course WW1&WW2, both of which had some of the most loving, caring examples of Human-hood ever seen!

I know, how silly Brady! Well Mr. Nobel, I see through your thinly disguised veil of Altruism! Just ‘cause you feel bad about inventing something that killed a few Injuns, some indentured servants, and quite a few lower class Euro-Sweat rejects; You think giving all your ill-gotten gains at your demise will save your soul... Them’s fightin’ thoughts!! So put up or shut up you dirt-napping Humo-Jerky!! I dare you to respond to this e-vite you soil wasting Necro-Tard!! I bet you don’t even have the gutsssss never mind ‘bout that one. You boney oxygen depleted deadbeat!! Your mortician dresses you funny and you smell like peat!! Where’s you Dynamite Messiah now wrinkle-boy? You couldn’t debate your way out of a wet pine coffin!!

I Don’t expect to hear from you any time soon you Swedish bomb dealer!!

ANgry brady

Buy The Way, I’m still pissed at my last 800+ word treatise being “Misplaced/Electro-mechanically pinched”

The good doctor is in trouble again.

This time he is being sued by a woman who claims that he basically held her against her will in the "Dr. Phil House" and forced her to endure physical and psychological abuse.

Wait a minute, there is a place that is actually called the Dr. Phil House? That makes sense though, he is a big frigging clown just like the other guy with a house named in his honor.

In the suit, the victim alleges that she was forced to be in a room with a "a completely naked live man while he exposed his entire naked body, genitals and all," and that the staff blocked her from leaving.

Was Dr. Phil the naked man? I suspect so and thats why she wanted to get the hell out of his house. Just imagine what he would look like naked.

How did she know he was "live"? What does that even mean? Would it have been OK if the naked man was dead? Or would she have preferred that he be plastic, like a blowup boyfriend? Genitals and all huh? Isn't that sort of implied in the whole "naked" part? Why are people so stupid?

The court documents go further to state that the woman learned that Dr. Phil was not in fact a real doctor or even licensed to practice psychology in the state of California.

No Shit Sherlock? You mean that all that really good advise that he dispenses is all coming right out of his ass? No! Its not like you could have told from listening to him or reading anything ever written about him.

She must have been stunned. I mean everybody knows that the best way to find a qualified therapist is to pick them from TV. He's a celebrity surely he knows what he's talking about. Celebrities are really smart. So smart in fact they don't even have to go to college to get a degree or get a license.

That's why I chose Hugh Laurie to take care of my family. I mean not only is he a doctor but he's British. Obvious choice.

With all due respect,
The Chief

What an abominable idiot! I only wish he would have knocked Taylor Swift on her ass taking the mic from her. Only that could have made this better.

More than likely you are already sick of reading, hearing or seeing crap on this story, but we could not pass it up. How often do you get someone so completely self absorbed on stage, in front of millions of people who has the audacity to bully a little girl and he's not on a realty tv show?

Kanye West is truly a great big friggin' idiot and will be at the top of our Idiots of the Year Poll this winter. (Be sure to send in your recommendations in case we've missed someone).

The thing that really bothers me though is the pity party that he tried to throw for himself on Jay Leno the next evening. Basically saying that he was going to have to take some time off and really think about what he had done and how he was going to move passed it.

Putting himself in a time-out. Utter bullsh!t.

What does Kanye West do all day that he has to take time out from so that he can reflect on what a complete ass-wipe he is? Nothing. The guy does nothing.

Well that's not true, he does have to shave retarded looking crap in his hair and write songs with one chord and the same seven words repeated over and over again. He also needs time to steal music from lesser known rappers, lift jazz musicians' riffs and entire melodies, pretend to be a hip-hop artist while selling bubblegum techno and break paparazzi cameras at LAX.

Oh I almost forget ,he need time to cry about his momma too.

All in all he probably is too busy to sit down and think about what an
a$shole he is.

People stop buying is crap, would ya?

All of this was enough to make a great story and to feed our hate machine, but the proverbial cherry on top was this delicious bit: