So I'm at my nieces basketball game and I'm just noticing the over abundance of cretin-parents.

My sister-in-law is 36 and looks pretty good and stylish for a 36-year-old mother of a 10-year-old. Therefore I can't help but take note on how bad everyone else looks. My wife and I are forty and the three of us are the best looking people here.

I understand that it's an early morning game and most of the people here just threw on a hat and rushed out the house to get here but guess what? So did we.

This leads me to ponder "why?"

Did everyone else wait until they were in their mid-thirties to have kids and now they're really old to have 10 year olds? I'm not saying everyone should have kids in their early twenties. Christ NO. Most people in their twenties are morons. I was. They should concentrate on college and a career. And by that I mean drinking, fighting and getting laid.
What I can't stand are these old fogies that wait to have kids until their careers and finances are established then they can't relate to their kids when they start getting older. Not to mention the fact that they'll be grandparents when they're 70 and then they'll die.

Speaking of grandparents.
I'm sitting next to one of the many grandmothers at this game and she's cheering on little Ashley to hustle hustle then the game ends and Ashley runs up to grandma, hugs her and says, "Mommy, can we go to McDonald's for lunch?" WTF? Mommy? Unfuckingbelievable.

Anyway, back to the terrible looking people. That covers the old ones. Back to the ugly and unkempt.
Have some of these people really just let themselves go and abandoned all self-respect because they've "been busy raising kids"?

That's no goddamn excuse. Show yourself (and those who have to look at you) some respect.
Is it that fucking hard to make yourself look decent when stepping out in public? There's only one way you're going to catch me in public in sweats: when I'm heading to the gym. And that's not going to happen. Seriously, I'm naturally built like an adonis.
How about how overweight everyone is? It's been ten years since you've had that kid? Why do you still look pregnant? I'm not going to pick on just the ladies. You men look like shit too. Your guts are hanging over where your cock should be. It must be very dark in that room that you make babies in. Jeez.

Am I the only one who notices this? Is it the midwest? Is everyone on the coasts in shape and youthful?
Most people are cretins and they won't stop reproducing!

Or maybe I'm just an egotistical asshole who thinks I'm better than those around me?

Na.

-Darth

Ok, I've had it.

The world is filled with idiots, we've already established that here in these hallowed pages, but the one thing that the vast majority of people, some of whom I don't generally regard as idiotic, have a major hang up about cussing.

Cursing, Foul Language, whatever you want to call it. The words the George Carlin referred to in his classic "7 Words".

Who says these words are bad? Who and what makes the the de facto authoritah?
The Bible?, Dear Abby? Martha Stewart? Mr. Rogers? Who dammit?

And Why? Because Jesus said so? Really are you sure about that? Because its not polite? Why because someone just arbitrarily deemed it so?

What makes one group of letters evil versus another when both groups refer to the same thing?

Its ridiculous that people make such a stink over words. When the only meaning any word has is that which we give it. Words themselves have no power in and of themselves. But people everyday give select words more importance than other, even you dear reader are probably guilty of it. Have you ever asked yourself what makes saying sh!t worse than saying poo? Sure sh!t sounds more salacious but it means the same as poo.

Or what about an even less obvious polarization, the words p!ss and pee? How is p!ss worse than pee when the both refer to urine or urinating? Whats the difference?

Nothing, just like what's between most peoples' ears.

Obviously this dilemma goes beyond potty words, but when you think about the difference between "clean" words and their "dirty" synonyms you should ask, why does it matter which is used?

When you get right down to it, all the power that words hold over us, we give them. All of it. When you tell your kids that its bad to say these words, what do you think they really hear? They hear that these words have power and that they are not allowed to wield it. At least in your presence, because you know that they do when they not in your ear-shot. When you react with shock and disgust that your neighbor called your dog a F&cking Worthless Sh!t-Machine, thats exactly what he wanted. Does that mean that your dog is a F&cking Worthless Sh!t-Machine, of course not. And when you break it down, can a sh!t-machine f&ck anyway?

Some of our favorite blue-terms don't really even make any sense when you analyze the words themselves. For example f*ck-head. On a purely grammatical level these two terms don't work together. What exactly is a f*ck-head? The tip of a penis at best, I suppose, but really its doesn't mean anything. Anything except what we make it mean.

Another good example is b!itch. Female animal, typically a dog, by its Webster's definition, but we have given it a much harsher meaning. To call a woman a female dog is no more insulting that calling her a female squirrel or snake, is it? She is female after all and don't we all like dogs? I do, I actually prefer female dogs over males, but for some reason calling a woman a b!tch is not very nice. Why? Because someone decided so.

I say f%ck 'em.

With all due respect,
The Chief

Gentlemen, I'm sure you've noticed a trend among the fairer sex that has become a source of piqued irritation, at least to me. Why has it become acceptable for women to shout, moan, slurp or squeal and clap like they're 12 year old girls when a good looking guy is mentioned or on TV or in a movie. As I recall this is a behavior for which we have been criticized and condemned for years. When we make a comment about a woman's appearance or sexiness we are called sexist, pigs, disgusting and crude, but apparently its all right for them. If you are unsure of what I am referring let me give you a couple anecdotes.

A couple nights ago a friend's wife, who will remain nameless but will no doubt read this, forced her husband to watch a segment of American Idol over and over again so that she could shoot a picture of one of the guys with her iPhone.

My secretary a few years ago could not stop moaning and groaning about Gavin Degraw, to the point that other people in the office asked me who the hell she was so worked up about.

A friend of mine rarely makes it through a discussion about a movie or television show without mentioning how hot one of the guys in the show is. Usually these mentions are very much tourettes-like for example, "Hey have you seen Shutter Island yet, its really good?" "No I saw the preview but wasn't sure what it was about, GodLeonardoIsHot!"

Kara DioGuardi on American Idol calling the dude with the long hair in the above picture "eye candy".

Now before you say something idiotic like, "oh you're just jealous" or "you do it too," let me stop you. I'm not jealous, not a bit. I'm pretty secure and rarely feel threatened by other men, and why on earth would I be threatened if my friend's wife is into some dude on American Idol? As far as the cross-accusation, forget it. One thing I learned from watching my dad as a kid and most men from his generation was that piggish ogling is both embarrassing for the people you are around and humiliating to the person being ogled. It's not my style and I call my friends on it when I see it which is rare.


This school-girl bullshit behavior irritates me because if we talked about how hot Blake Lively and Leighton Meester are or that Angelina Jolie is a piece of ass, and believe me she is extremely fuckable, they would start spitting about how those girls are too young or that "she has fake boobs" and that Angelinas a whore and a nut and a tattooed freak and that she was a home-wreaker.

I can promise you that if you were to mention that you'd like to see that chic in Avatar naked without the blue skin in the middle of your wife and her girlfriends talking about how good the movies was, they would loose their goddamn minds and you'd be the biggest piece of shit, horny pig who wasn't getting any that there ever was.

Doubt me? Give it a try and see what they say.

My point is ladies if you're reading this, knock it the fuck off because if you don't we're going to start reminding you why those girls are movies stars and you're not.

With all due respect,
The Chief

Once again it's time for you pussy-whipped retards to buy candy, cards and flowers for your sweeties.
Or else. You are in the doghouse. Not getting any.
This is the general consensus of everyone out there. Everyone wants to know what you're getting your girlfriend or wife for February 14th.
What should your answer be? Nothing.
What are the consequences? Nothing.
Should we go on about the principal of not conforming to what the over-exposed consumerism of our society tells us to do?
Nah.
Should we instead love our partners every day of the year and tell them we love them more often and not just go spend money on all that sh*t they expect you to get for them out of some sick peer-pressure?
Nope.
Should we celebrate the fact that we are once again hijacking a Christian holiday for our own silly purposes?
You got it.
For all of us who were unfortunate to be raised Catholic we remember this holiday as SAINT Valentine's Day.
That's something most of you have not ever heard.
See, the day was set aside to observe St. Valentine. Some believe St. Valentine was a martyr in ancient Rome who married couples despite marriage being forbidden by Emperor Claudius II.
As most Roman Emperors (and Popes) tend to be power-abusing pricks, Claudius had Valentine arrested, imprisoned, beaten and beheaded. It was later decided to make him a saint.
Of course there are other theories on how Valentine's Day started. Was it a pagan holiday (Lupercalia) hijacked by the Catholic Church? Were there more than one St. Valentine? Did the imprisoned version pass "Valentine" notes to his lover while behind bars?
Who knows?
We're not history teachers, you idiots.
One thing is for certain: we love to see holidays taken away and replaced with reasons to get gifts, drunk and laid. If it's a religious holiday. Even better. Just look at St. Patrick's Day. Do any of you know who St. Patrick was? Do you know that you should be wearing green and drinking Guinness?
Just as I thought.
Look, we've already replaced the resurrected Jesus thing with a giant bunny that distributes colorful eggs.
Hell, we've even swiped Mexican Independence Day as our own day to drink Corona's and eat (and eventually vomit) nachos.
I say we start taking over Kwaanza next. Let's make it a reason to call in to work the next day because, well, you know, it WAS Kwaanza yesterday and I'm still drunk from the Colt 45s we downed while contemplating the wisdom of Billy Dee Williams.

Anyway, the Catholic church no longer recognizes Valentine's Day as a holiday.
Was it the massacre or just the candy and cards?
One down. Just a few more to go...

--Darth

Listen, you might be excited that the Superbowl is this weekend; you might be stoked for the commercials; you might be excited to drink yourself into actually thinking you should be commentating instead of whatever that fat guy's name is; you might be making plans to take off on Monday because you already know you'll be hung over.

But not everyone gives a shit about the Superbowl.

In fact, a lot of people don't. Myself included.

I only like football when my team is winning and when I say my team I mean the team that plays out of my home city. I by no means clam the f*cking Rams, but unless they are winning, I don't give two rats asses about football. So since the Ram's aren't going to the Superbowl, I don't give a damn about it. Sorry.

There are many things about sports fans that I find both repugnant and fascinating like;
- feeling the need to memorize completely unimportant statistics about players, don't you have anything better to do with your time and brain? Its not like there is any major pay off to know all that bullsh!t anyway. The NFL is not likely to send you a check for knowing the average number of yards per reception that Ochocinco recorded last season versus the season before. All I've even seen this kind of brain-waste do is prevent you from remembering important stuff like your kids' birthdays or to renew your license plate.

- explaining why a play didn't work to the guys sitting next to you as you suck down you fifth beer. Wasn't he is watching the same TV you are. Are you sure you know what your talking about since your sitting on your ass watching the game and not out on the field couching it? Shut up already!

- swearing that the officials are against whatever team you are rooting for. What would be the point in screwing your guys up? The officials don't make your team do the stupid sh!t they do! They are just calling them on it. Besides what in it for them anyway? Do you think there's some kind of clandestine "how many bad calls can we get away with" pool or something?

I realize there is more to the Superbowl than the game. People keep telling me that they are going to watch it "for the commercials" or "for the half time show".

Whatever.

The commercials aren't a one time thing idiots. The advertisers don't spend that kind of money on a one shot deal. And if you really have to see the latest is brainwashing advertising, go to youtube and pull up the ads. The people that sit through the game just to see the commercials are likely the same idiots that stand in line outside of Walmart on Black Friday. They'll sit through anything, likely because they have nothing better to do.

I've watched my share of Superbowl half times. Actually a total of 3. They were all horrible. When they try to get to many people up on stage at one time it makes me nuts. Take the 2004 half time when Janet Jackson gave us the infamous nipple shot. There were like 20 people on the goddamn stage and I missed the tit. Completely and we were at some friend's house who didn't have a DVR so I complete missed it. And aside from Janet's tits, the rest of the show was a big cluster f*ck of performers all trying to figure out what they were doing.

Or take the following year with Prince. Prince? For the Superbowl? Seems like an odd choice to me, a 95 pound, long haired, high-pitched singing little dude up on stage performing for a bunch of what are assumed to be manly men since they watch football.

Nevermind the endless interruptions to tell you that the half time show is going to start, then they cut to a commercial and back to commentators then a commercial, then to a bumper that the show is going to star, then a commercial...

Sorry I just don't get it.

But if you do, great go have fun. Just don't tell me about it on Monday, because I don't care.

With all due respect,
The Chief

So... Where do I begin? How about this. I'll start from the beginning of this situation. I got an app for my phone that seemed really cool at the time. It allowed me to shoot live feed video from my phone. The main drawback being the fact that I would have to use their feed. Where this feed went and what kind of usability/storage did it have? I knew none of these questions. The other option I had was to sign up for a Flake Book account. Both options were unsettling to me. Go with an unknown service, designed by unknown engineers, sent to an unknown server, or sign up for the Fecal Book account. You know... A saner man would probably have said THIS APP IS NOT THAT IMPORTANT, and throw it out! Well, Brady gets to deal with what Brady has. I remained focused laser-like, ard, beneshiply, gog and magog, on having this damn app and getting it up and running A.S.A.P.!!! Stupidly, me thinks't, I signed up for Fart Book. In my defense, I used a junk e-mail account I possess, and went to work. I was almost immediately gripped by the fact, with what very little true info I filled in, people I know were being suggested to me as friends! I knew this from an intellectual standpoint, but it still amazes me the technology that is used today, to cull whatever minute information one enters in. Very quickly I started getting in contact with people I haven't seen or heard from in, in some cases 20 years. Frig Book had sunk it's claws in deep into that part of the brain that cares not of right or wrong, of kill or be killed, fuck or be fucked, The Lizard Brain, the Limbic System, the Amygdala, the Pons what have you. Against my better judgement I found myself digging deeper into this social networking phenomenon, most of the time feeling like a brain shower was direly in need!!!

Fathers for decades, possibly centuries, have taken their sons and daughters to games, read to them from the sports page and watched with them their heros on TV. These children learn at a very tender age that these athletes are not mere mortals but gods worthy of celebration and worship. Fathers tell stories of the greats from their childhood with both reverence and nostalgia; lifting the old-timers to nearly mythological greatness and illustrate how the new guys learned from them.

Which is most definitely true. The sports heros of today have taken many pages from the play books of yesteryear, some pages filled with great talent and others with philandery, excess and debauchery. The benefit that guys like Mantle, Chamberlin and Ruth had was that the media didn't have the access to their lives like today and their management maintained a better grip on them. It didn't come out until the latter days of the 20th century that the Babe was a ranging drunk, a fan of cocaine and physically abusive to his wives; a true degenerate's degenerate. Mickey Mantel was a drunk and a womanizer of the highest order. He would probably have been called a sex addict if he were alive today, along with Wilt Chamberlin.  Not to mention that nearly 4 in 10 prominent sports figures in the last 20 years have been arrested or at least stopped for drunk driving.

But does anybody really remember these facts when they reminisce about these sports legends? No, I don't think so. Does grandpa think back to what an inspiration the Babe was? Sure but does he'll tell you about the time he bet his second wife so bad that she was hospitalized for a week? Doubtful.

Now though, that's all gone. The Age of Heros has ended and all we are left with is plain old, fucked up people that are exposed to excesses and temptations beyond that which the rest of us ever see. So fathers don't build these guys up to your kids anymore because when they screw up, and the eventually all do, your kid might just be young enough to think it was cool as opposed to stupid and therefore draw the conclusion that drug abuse and adultery are behaviors to be celebrated. Or when they are older and their favorite bat jockey gets busted in a kiddy porn ring, there will be days of disillusionment followed by a deep sense of loss; the loss of childhood heros and of something to aspire to. Instead teach them to enjoy the game, have fun and try hard and remember that most of those guys on the TV screen are just overpaid idiots that got lucky.

I really don't get all the deification anyway. Are there no other people to look up to anymore? The best our culture has to offer are now guys that throw or hit something for a living? How about leaders in field that actual improve our lives? Like the people discovering cures for diseases, pioneering space travel and developing things like Twitter and eBay? Do you know their names? No, of course not, they're not sports figures. They haven't been pulled over for drunk driving and arrested for shooting someone in a bar...yet.

With all due respect,
The Chief

I know that a lot of people think I wear my tinfoil hat 24/7/365. I'm happy for you, if you may be one of those people I will say to you, keep downing those Twinkies, trusting those in authority (they would never lie to you!), salivating while watching, what some call news, hoping the Bryl Cream coiffed robot shuts up so you can just get to what's really important!! SPORTS! And just being an all around good consumer! "Drink up! Happy hour is now enforced by law!"

I have a true story...

Last weekend, my lovely wife and I were out and about wasting some time. We happened to be driving East on Wabash a.k.a. McCausland. We headed under hwy. 44 at the River DePew, when my wife said something about there being a strange color coming from what she believed was said river. At the next available opportunity I had a brief glance. To my surprise the river was definitely in a state that was shocking, even for River Desperes. I whipped the car around and looked for a place to park. We got out of the car and both took out our cameras and started to shoot. I took 3 pictures and my wife took 3-5.So, what's so strange you say? What would make Angry stop, park, and photograph a miserable open pit sewer...Erh, sorry, river?! Well the river was somewhere between the color of human blood and maroon!! Not just a light tinge either. As far as the eye could see N.E. to S.W. was this strange site.

Returning home I sent some friends some of the pic's (yes Angry has friends, and not always angry with them either). It was suggested I contact someone in the news media, a person that a friend knew and had dealt with many times. So I did. After several days of on again off again exchanges it was off, officially. No they wouldn't do the story, it was explained, rather sheepishly I might add. So I sent them to the other corporate mouth-pieces known as our local news channels. None responded immediately. Someone known fairly well to most that peruse the morning news finally did. It was about my picture not coming through and to please resend. I graciously complied, and heard nothing for a couple of days, so I emailed back to see where the 'Story' stood. I was informed, before any investigation was done to my knowledge that it was probably MSD and their use of tracing dye. I heard nothing more until a friend called and asked if those were my pictures that showed up on the local morning newscast! He said it was a blurb about the River Desperes and some pic's. Nothing more...The less important fact here is that no one contacted me to say "Hey dummy! We're gonna run that story. or, Can we use those pic's? or, Better look out cause the Illuminati knows you know!"

The most important fact is that to my knowledge there has been no explanation!! Someone can correct me if I'm wrong with one big caveat... If that explanation involves MSD and there harmless 'dye', well you can save it and go back to watching "Goose-stepping With The Stars", or what ever mindless drivel you partake of. Tell you what. I'll let the reader be the judge if all of this is something that looks harmless. Trust me, I've seen these "dye tests" that MSD does and I've never seen anything like this. That would have to be a lot of Goddamn dye. Hope no one's eating Channel Cat or Carp.
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